096: The Dawn Will Come

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✪ Personal Life ✪

  • It’s snowing on my blog again. Yay!
  • I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving! I had all the ham I could stand, so I would say my Thanksgiving was a huge success. 
  • And, with that said, on to your regularly programmed nonsense. I’m feeling like an open book so I’ll tackle this next topic whilst I still have the stomach for it. Prepare for some serious, lengthy TL;DR.
  • My personal life has been significantly better thanks to my decision to start going to therapy regularly. My therapist is a saint. Seriously. When she’s not helping emotional wrecks like me she spends her time helping children with disabilities, and when children adore someone that is usually a sign of good character to me. Anyway, I could not have progressed as far as I did without her assistance. It turns out that I have general anxiety disorder and major/clinical depression, and it’s at a point where not even a great therapist can tackle it alone. I have to also see a psychiatrist occasionally. She prescribed me lexapro and xanax to basically keep myself balanced. Anxiety and depression… together they are so exhausting. On one hand, you’re constantly terrified of being harmed. On the other hand, you welcome harm because you believe you deserve to suffer until your last breath. And the odd thing is that consciously I’ll catch myself thinking things I immediately write off as irrational. I’ll say to myself, “it’s so dumb to think these things”. However, those thoughts will follow me around nonstop until I start to believe them from time to time. I have been carrying these burdens for years, and it made me feel like a failure. It’s… comforting to have a stranger tell me that I am strong. There are regular compliments that I accept nonchalantly, and then there are compliments like that where it’s so overwhelming that it leaves me in tears. All I ever wanted was to be strong. It’s amazing to fight for something all of your life only to be told that you accomplished it a long time ago, and you were just to underconfident to realize it. I’m happy. I’ve even been told that I’m more upbeat than usual. Of course, it is difficult to deal with these things, but I like to think of it as living life on hard mode (LOL). There is no time to say things like: “I’ll get better later”. You have to be at your best at all times, and because of that you learn to adapt and develop new skills quickly. The payoff is also incredible. Now that I have more control over this part of me that I couldn’t control before, every other challenge I face feels like child’s play. Lately, I’ve been facing difficult things without questioning my abilities because I’m confident that I can take them on. Or as Mark said when I discussed this with him, “THIS ISN’T EVEN MY FINAL FORM”. Anyway, I am essentially saying that therapy is going well, medications are helping a lot, and I am learning to focus on myself instead of fretting about my surroundings. I have higher hopes now because the future finally looks bright for me. I’m just… relieved, proud, and happy all at once. I can’t complain about this experience at all. Life has been (mostly) pleasant, so I’m really glad I made this decision instead of putting it off out of stubbornness. That’s about it. 🙂
  • Also, I would be a complete ass if I did not thank Mark for all of his supportiveness. He likes to say things like, “Blah, I don’t need any thanks”, but he has no idea how much it meant to me when I was dooming and glooming under a blanket and he came out of nowhere with some cheesy joke to make me laugh. Or when I’m having a panic attack at work and he’ll drop everything to run somewhere, call me, and tell me that I have faced harder things. I love him with every fragment of my being. He is my rock. I know I usually don’t say lovey-dovey things like that, but… I could not do any of this without him there to remind me that everything will be all right. Okay. I’m done. *~_~*
  • Now back to the nonsense.
  • A while back I caved in and subscribed to Amazon Prime. Worth it! When I put into consideration all the shows I get to watch for free plus all the two-day shipping charges I get to avoid, I already got my $100 worth. It is just painful to pay all of that upfront, you know? But I guess when you look at things like Hulu or Netflix you’re paying the same amount just to watch shows and movies, so Amazon Prime is definitely worth it if you’re into online shopping. I definitely am. Most of the time I’ll just spend like $15 a week on little things like replacing headphones or getting stationery I can’t find anywhere else, and I don’t have to pay another $15 to ship them. Blah, blah, blah, I highly recommend it. And if for some reason you need something ASAP you can spend an extra $4-5 for next day shipping. So it’s awesome.
  • Christmas shopping is usually hell for me, but I’m trying to be more optimistic. Let’s call it a financial adventure. I guess the trick is to not be too generous. Sure, that’s a ridiculous thing to say during a time where the spirit of generosity is most important, but it’s careless to spend so much money on other people that you have nothing for your own survival expenses. It’s not like someone is going to die if I don’t get them a new iPhone or whatever. I’ll probably die if I try to survive on $5 for a week though, or at least die a little on the inside. Anyway, the whole point is to chill the fuck out with that Christmas shopping stuff this year, and do some serious budgeting. I want to get everyone nice things though. I’ll do my best.
  • I didn’t really do any Black Friday/Cyber Monday stuff. The only deal I absolutely had to grab was the Lord of the Rings trilogy boxset–extended edition blu-ray discs with 26 hours of extra goodness. According to Walmart, it is usually $100-something dollars. I grabbed it for $40. Not a bad deal.
  • Link has been pretty snippy with me because I gave him a bath and put his collar back on. It’s his own fault. He keeps running outside then hiding in the bushes since he’s too scared to go further than that. LOL. Anyway, we’re back on good terms again. All it takes is some treats and brushing his fur to get back in his good graces. Got you all figured out, cat. >:J
  • Well, I don’t know what else to say about my personal life. It’s just been work, sleep, eat, therapy, repeat. The things I manage to squeeze in between are typically things are productive or helpful towards my health. In short, boring. I am still very boring. 😛

 

✪ Art & Writing ✪

  • As far as art goes I have just been in practice mode. I hate the feeling that I am losing my ability to draw. Realistically, I doubt anyone can just “lose” a skill they’ve been using for decades, but I have had moments where I placed a pencil to paper and had no idea what to do next. It is more a lack of inspiration than anything. I definitely need to read and play games more. Maybe start getting back into watching anime regularly. I’ll see.
  • I tried to do NaNoWriMo this year, but I only had the motivation to work on my main story, and that story is not something that I want to submit to contests or whatever. It is a great stress relief for me after all. If I start putting deadlines and word counts on it then I’m positive I’ll lose the desire to go anywhere near it. There is always next year, I guess.

✪ Anime & Manga ✪

  • I started this anime called “Everything Becomes F: The Perfect Insider”, and it’s right up my alley. A lot of mystery. A lot of philosophy. Very Stand Alone Complex-y. It’s not done yet, so I’ll have to endure waiting week after week for another episode. *sigh*
  • Mark and I got hooked on “Kuroko’s Basketball”, and we keep blaming each other for it. I recommended it, but after the first episode I dropped it. Meanwhile, Mark kept watching it. So one day I decided to join him for an episode for the hell of it then I got hooked too. Then we both got hooked and we kept blaming each other for who made us addicts to a sports anime of all things. Like, we’re not big sports people at all. I don’t care for sports. He doesn’t care for sports. Yet we’re both watching his anime and saying things, “Man, maybe we should start watching basketball.” LOL. It is more than regular basketball though. It has this really interesting storyline with basketball techniques that are borderline Naruto-ish until they explain how might be semi-possible to pull off in real life. Nonetheless, it’s great. I love it.
  • …Oh, and we’re into a new sports anime now called “Haikyuu”. We joked that in a matter of months we will see every type of sport there is in anime form. We covered basketball and volleyball so far. I covered swimming with “Free!”. There are tennis, baseball, and soccer anime out there that I’ve heard about. *sigh* It’s getting to that point. The suspense is so good with sports anime. >_<
  • We’re also into “One Punch Man”. Mark is more into it than me though. I’ve only seen an episode or two, and each time I promise myself to catch up to the whole thing. It… hasn’t happened yet. I’ll shoot for next weekend.
  • “Digimon Adventure tri.” is so nostalgic. I mean, the digimons still wear crappy disguises when they’re on Earth and no one even asks questions. It’s just like: “Oh, there’s a orange dinosaur in a trenchcoat and fedora. Nothing out of the ordinary here.” I can’t recall anyone asking the “are those talking, stuffed dolls?” question again, but that is equally ridiculous to me. LOL

✪ Video Games ✪

  • Wow… Where do I start?
  • THAT NIER 2/NIER: AUTOMATA TRAILER.
  • BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY THAT FINAL FANTASY VII REMAKE TRAILER.
  • It worries me that Square-Enix keeps saying that “it’s a new game”, and that it’s going to be broken into “episodes”, but I want to be optimistic. This is one of my favorite games. Hell, it’s almost at a point now where it’s overtaking Ocarina of Time because I play it way more frequently. The last time I played OoT was maybe 2-3 years ago. FFVII, on the other hand, I’ve been replaying yearly. I’m already starting a new playthrough for the one that I downloaded on to the PS4. It’s worth buying again for the 100th time just for that new theme. It’s so beautiful with the piano version of Aerith’s theme playing in the background. Yeah… I’m Square’s bitch at this point. I’ll keep grumbling about how tired I am of them making low quality games then I’ll pick it up anyway. LOL. But I am at least slightly relieved after playing the FFXV demo. If the game is as good as the demo then I have little to worry about.
  • Is anyone really surprised that Wild Hunt is winning all these Game of the Year awards? That game is the truth.
  • Fallout 4 might as well be a Sims game at this point because I spend all of my time building this town and trying to keep all of the settlers happy instead of trying to rescue my own son. D:
  • We’re playing Elder Scrolls Online, and it’s not bad at all. Since there is no way to play Skyrim on the PS4 (that I know of) I’ve been missing that whole world a lot. This is not a bad replacement for that.
  • J-Stars Victory VS is pretty enjoyable. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone who isn’t a huge fan of shounen though because most of the enjoyment comes from being able to interact with some of your favorite characters. Otherwise, it is just a fighting/hack-and-slash type game that can get stale after a while. Naturally, my main is Toriko AKA flawless, blue-haired, muscular, culinary king of my soul.
  • I got Hatoful Boyfriend (finally) for shits and giggles. Yeah… I got assassinated by ninja birds on my first playthrough, and then the MC ended up hitting on that sleepy teacher in my second playthrough. Supposedly, if you get all the endings it will unlock this other game within HB that sounds pretty dark from what I read. Something about the apocalypse and murders…? Wow. Just wow. This game is definitely amusing if anything else.
  • Just Dance 2016 is fun. I really love that you only need your phone as a controller this time around because I wasn’t really feeling the kinect or PS camera thing. I also didn’t feel like buying one of those PS move controllers because I’ll never use it outside of that one game. So… yeah. It’s great. It definitely gets the heart pumping, that’s for sure. I stay dancing to “Dagomba”, “Gangnam Style” and “Moves Like Jagger” all day though. Like, that’s all I ever feel like dancing to. I need to branch out more. They added “Ievan Polkka” from Miku in this one BTW. Kinda WTF but cute nonetheless. I’ll probably try to make JD my means of daily exercise since I am utterly incapable of doing anything active that isn’t fun. -_-
  • I watched a playthrough of Until Dawn on YT, and it’s a really good game! Now I want to actually play it. Watch me end the game with zero survivors though.
  • Not really a video game, but Mark and I decided to try out “Cards Against Humanity” and… yeah. That game will make you laugh at some horrible things and leave you questioning your morals. Play it. Even if you don’t have enough people (like us), you can just make up your own rules. Mark’s humor is way darker than mine so he tends to win.

✪ Books ✪

  • I finally gave in and ordered “The World of Ice and Fire”. That art is amazing. I really loved the contributions that Magali Villeneuve made. Of course, all of the details about ASOIAF in there are extremely pleasing too. It’s just a great book to have. And massive. There is no way that book is under ten pounds.
  • I’m starting on “Song of Solomon”. I already know Toni Morrison writes amazing books, so I don’t need to wonder if it is any good. I loved “The Bluest Eye”. I loved “Sula”. It is so hard to put her books down!
  • Honestly, I’m disappointed by the lack of reading I’ve been doing lately. I’m not really into the whole resolution thing but if I had to make one it would be to read more. I feel like my brain is growing lifeless from the lack of information I’ve been taking in outside of random, interesting articles. I’ll work on it.

 

✪ Music ✪

  • Most of my music life has been Pandora, “The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill” on loop, “The Best of Sade” on Loop, “The Reminder” on loop, and a few songs from the Spectre OST on loop.  I love Sam Smith’s “Writing’s on the Wall” as a Bond theme. If I had to pick one song to listen to on repeat from the entire OST, though, it would be “Madeline”. That song is too beautiful for words.
  • I heard about Enya making a new album, but I haven’t had the chance to really listen to it yet. The few songs I heard as sample were… okay. Maybe I need to listen to the whole thing in its entirety before I decide that they are not as good as previous works. It’s not like Enya can really do wrong. At her worst, a song is not as good as another song she made, but it is still relaxing/inspiring/good shit in general.
  • If there is a list of top ten game composers and Masashi Hamauzu isn’t somewhere on it then I’m not taking your list seriously at all. Then again, I understand that he is not the most popular composer. Fine. But if you don’t have Masashi Hamauzu then you gotta have Nobuo Uematsu, Yoko Shimomura, Koji Kondo, AND Yasunori Mitsuda. All of them. Because they are actual game music legends.
  • I’m super excited about the FFXV soundtrack. Sadly, I’m more excited about it than the game. Yikes/Zoinks/Whoops/etc. I have to buy it the moment it gets released. I know sometimes soundtracks get released before their games, so I’ll have to buy that and hope there are no spoilers in the tracklist. I feel personally attacked by every composer who puts “____ Dies” as a song title. LOL. There has to be a more creative title you can make about someone’s death. It’ll be like John Williams naming a song “This Is The Song For When Luke Finds Out Vader Is His Dad”. Dude… Okay, I’m done ranting about that. Hopefully, the whole tracklist will be in Japanese and I can just avoid all translations until I beat the game. Hopefully.

 

✪ TV & Movies ✪

  • I saw Spectre… and let’s just say the best things about it were some of the songs and Christoph Waltz. 😦
  • After Mark harassing me to see John Wick since the dawn on time I finally saw it, and I am glad that I did. The fight scenes were GREAT. So now I’m going to harass everyone else to watch John Wick before the second one comes out.
  • Jessica Jones was a pleasure to watch. I have nothing bad to say about it. I’m always looking forward to more Daredevil though. I probably mentioned more than once that he is my favorite comic book character. The TV series really proved how awesome he is after that Ben Affleck movie kind of ruined him for a lot of people. Just wait until The Defenders, guys. He is going to kick so much ass. Again.
  • Thanks to Amazon Prime I got a watch a few great shows these past few months. There is Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Sopranos, Hand of God, and a few others. The Wire remains at the top of my watchlist with Boardwalk Empire. I just haven’t gotten around to them yet. Really, I wish HBO Now would just put an app on the PS4 already. Amazon Prime pretty much has every great HBO show except Game of Thrones. I have… ways… of watching Game of Thrones, but I’d prefer to do it the… right… way. I feel safer, I guess. LOL. Anyway, time will tell. Hopefully, that happens before April rolls around.
  • Speaking of Game of Thrones, I don’t think I’ve discussed last season yet. It’s probably because save for a few moments it was kind of a disappointment for me. I don’t even want to get into that controversial scene with Sansa. I am one of those people who saw no point in it besides the writers trying to use some tired method of motivating a male character to change by doing heinous things to a female character. It’s right up there with the whole “fridging the wife” trope. I guess some writers feel like the only reason for anyone to do the right thing is to wait until someone they care about is assaulted or murdered. It’s so tired at this point. …And here I am ranting. Whatever. I got that pet peeve off my chest. -_-
  • I’m sure that I saw more things, but I can’t remember them all. I guess that’s it…

 

✪ Whatever Else/Closing ✪

I’m off!

Tonight, I see The Force Awakens. Tomorrow, I try to be productive. Monday through Wednesday I work and wrap up Christmas shopping. From Thursday to Sunday I’m off. Oh, and I have tickets to see The Force Awakens again on Christmas. LOL. So, this week might just be damn near spectacular.

I hope everyone enjoys their week too.

Let’s remember that regardless of our religions or backgrounds or whatnot there is no excuse not to be nice to people. So, no matter what you celebrate or don’t celebrate, take this time to be nice… or nicer. That’s all.

That’s the best closing you’ll get from me. I’m distracted by The Sopranos. Sorry. 😄

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